All along my pilgrim journey, Savior let me walk with thee. That is how I attempt to live my life, walking with God. And I had been doing that, with energy, with commitment, with zeal. It was my life’s work to follow the teachings and the law – and to help enforce the law and teachings with others.

And then a new upstart rabbi started teaching – and connecting with my people. His new interpretations of the law and prophets sounded to me like heresy. He was leading people astray from the tradition I was born into, that he and I were both born into. And I love that tradition with all my heart.

My commitment to my tradition is so deep that when the followers of this young leader, Jesus, started growing, I took the threat personally. What was going to happen to all that I knew as true and holy? And what about my opportunities for leadership as rabbi?

This radical group grew and challenged not just the one true faith that I knew but it was also drawing the attention of the Romans, making it dangerous for all of us. I had to respond, I had to fight back. I began going door to door to find the people, men and women, that went against our faith. I dragged them from their houses – to the Roman prison. (Acts 8:3) It sounds harsh now, and I am truly sorry, but I supported the stoning of Stephen, one their early leaders. (Acts 8:1)

Despite my dogged diligence, the followers of “The Way” kept growing. I made it my mission to catch as many of these ‘way’ward people as I could.

Then I had my own experience with Jesus, the One that the followers of The Way claim as Prophet and Savior. You already heard how Luke tells my story: the light and voice from heaven, the blindness, fasting, Ananias, scales falling from my eyes. My own version of the story, as I wrote it to the church at Galatia, is less… electric.

from Galatians 1

11 I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that the gospel I preached is not of human origin. 12 I did not receive it from any human, nor was I taught it; rather, I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.

13 For you have heard of my previous way of life in Judaism, how intensely I persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it. 14 I was advancing in Judaism beyond many of my own age among my people and was extremely zealous for the traditions of my fathers. 15 But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased 16 to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being. 17 I did not go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went into Arabia. Later I returned to Damascus.

Where Luke’s account and mine do agree is that things changed drastically for me, my journey was undeniably altered. Deciding to preach to and among Gentiles was a twist in the road I could not have seen coming. But in my mind, in my experience, it was a more gradual shift, not a “Damascus Road” moment. It started with my observations of how these “Jesus people” showed love to their neighbors, to each other, how they did not fight back with violence. Gradually I began to see that how they were living out faith did make a strange kind of sense in our shared Jewish tradition. And what if we shared that love outside the tradition? I needed some time to think about all of that, to process it on my own. So I went to Arabia for a kind of retreat.

It is strange, and a little aggravating, how Luke’s version of my life is more well-known than my own words. My letter to the churches at Galatia is more succinct, more to the point, than Luke’s “chapter book” version of The Acts of the Apostles, with all its dreams and visions, prison breaks and sermons. I had written my experience in my letter to the church at Galatia decades before. Maybe Luke missed reading it. Or maybe he just felt the need to very dramatically illustrate the change that I made as a young man.

Or maybe it is just that Luke loves to tell a good story. I mean the way he describes Jesus’ birth, in the stable, the shepherds in the fields, the angels bursting forth from heaven. Luke likes a light show. His version does have pizazz.

But let me continue with my story.

from Galatians 1:18 Then after three years I did go up to Jerusalem to visit Cephas and stayed with him fifteen days, 19 but I did not see any other apostle except James, the Lord’s brother. 20 In what I am writing to you, before God, I do not lie! 21 Then I went into the regions of Syria and Cilicia, 22 and I was still unknown by sight to the churches of Judea that are in Christ; 23 they only heard it said, “The one who formerly was persecuting us is now proclaiming the faith he once tried to destroy.” 24 And they glorified God because of me.

I know that how I tell this is fairly factual, maybe dry even but facts are important. Maybe Luke’s community needed more drama to motivate them, to truly believe I had changed. I wouldn’t dare speculate further on why he spun my story the way he did. There was, then and now, enough animosity between various groups of The Way; I don’t need to add to that tension.

While Luke and I don’t tell the story the same way, I am telling you my story today because I observe that in your own situation, almost 2000 years later, there are rifts in your tradition. There are so many versions now of what it means to be Christian, what The Way of Jesus came to be called. Your own Caesar talks about religious freedom but it is unclear exactly what that means other than free to be as he demands. That is how it is with Caesars: they dictate unquestioning loyalty to their own way – and the removal of those who do not show it. This is not new; only the colors and characters change over the generations.

I hear rumblings that in your situation, there may be a few who have lost faith in Caesar – and are open to a different understanding of faithfulness to God and what it means to be a citizen of Rome – I mean your country. I will tell you, as someone who undertook a big shift in understanding, reaching out to the Gentiles for goodness sake! it is not easy to make that change. It is an uncomfortable and foreign feeling to be drawn to what you formerly despised and ridiculed, even if it is a God thing. It feels risky to turn away from everything you have always known or thought you always knew. It is not easy to make this change of heart. And it can be very hard to find a new community in which to live out this new understanding.

On the other side, it can be a heavy lift for a community to open themselves to a new person, much less a changed person with a call from God. Can they trust that the change is real? The disciples of Jesus definitely found it hard to open their hearts, open their group, to me who had been hostile and violent toward them.

Here’s how I tell the story.

from Galatians 2: 1-5 Fourteen years after that first visit, Barnabas and I went up to Jerusalem and took Titus with us. I went to clarify with them what had been revealed to me. At that time I placed before them exactly what I was preaching to the non-Jews. I did this in private with the leaders, those held in esteem by the church, so that our concern would not become a controversial public issue, marred by ethnic tensions, exposing my years of work to denigration and endangering my present ministry. Significantly, Titus, non-Jewish though he was, was not required to be circumcised. While we were in conference we were infiltrated by spies pretending to be Christians, who slipped in to find out just how free true Christians are. Their ulterior motive was to reduce us to their brand of servitude. We didn’t give them the time of day. We were determined to preserve the truth of the Gospel for you.

You see how difficult it is to make a change, to change your mind, in public certainly but even in private. The various groups of The Way were trying to find common ground, common signs and symbols. We were asking serious questions: Can we reach out to Gentiles? Should we reach out to Gentiles? Do we need circumcision for non-Jews? Titus was our model, following in The Way though he was not Jewish.

It was horrifying to find out that there were impersonators, spies, who had been let into this important meeting. Posing as interested parties, they were not there to support us but to sow division. When you are talking about something as important as tradition, as circumcision, which had been our practice for generations, people with ulterior motives are not helpful in the discussion. We were committed to getting to the Truth of The Way as we understood it; these infiltrators made it almost impossible.

Luke, in his version, once again goes back to that Damascus Road story again. Acts 9:

26 When he had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples, and they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him, brought him to the apostles, and described for them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had spoken boldly in the name of Jesus. 28 So he went in and out among them in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord.

It did take some convincing, some proving myself until people believed me. Having an advocate, like Barnabas, who could vouch for me was helpful, essential really, since I had been so brutal. I repented for my former actions. Yet it took some time to feel truly welcomed in. The timeline for forgiveness is not the same for everyone. Each of us processes things differently. I am grateful that eventually I was allowed into the disciples group so that we could look for ways to work together, even if we didn’t always agree who we should reach out to or how. Our different experiences helped form us so that we could figure out who to talk with, who to bring into the fold, who we could trust.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. The disciples and I were not at odds because I was Jewish. Jesus was Jewish, we were all Jewish – except for Titus.  And please, now that you are part of the The Way of Jesus, don’t blame the Jews for Jesus’ death. I understand the temptation to blame me for how I treated the Jesus followers early in my life. But this was an internal dispute among Jews: some wanted to preserve the tradition in a particular way, and others understood and interpreted  our faith in a new way.

I imagine it is sort of like your own early internal disputes among Catholics and Protestants and Anabaptists. Or perhaps like today: Christian Nationalists align with the government while other Christians (as well as some Jews, Muslims and others) interpret the tradition in very different ways. Will we ever stop arguing over what it means to be faithful? to be people of faith? Will we ever find a way to work together for healing, for the good of the earth, for freedom for all people?

I share my story to strengthen you, to encourage you in your own time of difficulty. You may know people that want to change alliances, that want to join your religious group as you live out the justice and grace of Jesus Christ. Given my own experiences, I advise you to do as Jesus taught: be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. (Matt 10:16) You do not want infiltrators to find their way into your group. And yet, don’t let the potential dangers stifle the good work you can do, are doing, together.

While you may have trouble accepting and receiving those who have been zealous for “the other side,” I pray you will be patient and open your hearts. Those who were zealous previously, may just be wired that way. They may continue to be zealous so walk closely with them as they learn a new way of living out faith – with gentleness, self-control, patience, peace and generosity. As I wrote to the Galatians: My brothers and sisters, dear siblings, If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. (Gal 6:1-3)

I stand before you humbled and changed; humbled by the way my story is told, changed by the work that God called me to do. And I am grateful; grateful to be accepted by God and the community of Jesus’ followers. It is good to be on the journey with you all, as we walk in the Law of Love.